Sunday, August 20, 2006
I felt relief when SSD refused me. Then after talking to my dad, I reconsidered talking to a lawyer and challenging the decision. I woke up this morning in a cold sweat thinking about it. I talked it through with Oscar. I wanted to be certain of my own mind, as well as of how he felt about it. The thought of re-applying makes me feel afraid; afraid of losing independence, of losing the headway I've made against the agoraphobia. The thought of not applying is also scary, but motivates me to get even more serious about writing and earning money using my mind. I don't WANT a handout. I want to make my own way. Even if I GOT SSD the thought of being accountable to the government for every penny, or risk losing a steady income by making too much on my own makes me feel sick-afraid. The thought of tyring my hand at earning money doing what I can, through writing books, and patterns, and articles makes me feel excited-afraid. Reapplying for SSD feels like giving up on myself. I've done enough sitting and waiting in the past three years. Enough. Time to see what more I can do.