Monday, October 04, 2010

Not a happy post

Honest, but not happy.
I feel part of this blog's function is to share some of the difficulties of being disabled, even if it doesn't make for comfortable writing, or reading, for that matter.
I am so often inspired by Lene's blog, and those of others that I feel a need to share some of my difficulties as well, in the hopes that my words may help someone facing similar issues feel less alone, sort of paying it forward I guess.
Anyway. On to the hard part.
This summer I have entered a new phase of life; one in which I can no longer 100% care for myself in personal matters like bathing.
I won't get into the nitty gritty details, that would likely be TMI, but as a consequence of losing weight, my skin folds have increased. Combined with a lessened ability to stand, constrained (small) bathtub and my weight lifting restrictions and I cannot keep them healthily clean on my own. Even with Oscar's help, there is damage we cannot seem to heal. Oscar is very willing do do what needs to be done, but I am seeking another solution with the help of my doctor.
I feel strongly that it would be best for both of us if my care in that area were handled by a professional, Oscar already has too many burdens.
I didn't realize how deep the emotional wound not being able to bath myself was until I was leaving a message for my doctor's medical assistant, asking for help and advice to heal the damage that is in the folds of skin.
I began to cry, and it was like a dam burst. I am usually more aware of my emotional state than that (or I try to be). So I am posting this deeply personal entry both to lance that wound, and to share, in hopes that if any one else is in a similar situation, they know they are not alone.
Thank you for listening.


Meredith said...

You did both a wise and brave thing by calling and by realizing you wanted help.

momtroll said...

Oh, Diana, I am so sorry. It is good to get help. If you do not get help, it could get worse in the areas you need help in. It is much harder to control infections than it is to prevent them. I am sure you are not the first one by far. Best wishes in being able to get the help you need. You have been a very strong cookie. Now is the time to welcome the help you need. Much love is coming your way.

ColorJoy LynnH said...

I know you are a tough one, and I know how hard it is to ask for/accept help. Remember how many people you have helped over the years. When we help others, it makes us feel good. Allow others to help you, this time.

Hugs. Do something kind for yourself today. Open that window and look at the colors, perhaps? Good music? A call to a loving friend?

Hugs again.

cedarstrings said...

Diana, you've done absolutely the right thing; now that you've started the ball rolling, I hope the doctor's office gets the orders written and lines up all of the services that you need to relieve the immediate issue and prevent further problems. I've been the caregiver and I know that asking for help is the hardest thing. Once the help arrives, I think you'll find the assistance is actually liberating in that it allows you and Oscar to focus energies on different areas of your lives, and your life together.

Sharing your experiences with your disability is very important; perhaps your decision will help one of your followers to reach a similar decision, either for themselves or for a family member. Independence is wonderful, but sometimes we need a little assistance to remain independent.

AlisonH said...

Thank you for being willing to say that out loud. Someone else out there with the same burden will read that and be immensely relieved that they're not the only one. My burdens are different, but I know what it's like when the dam you felt bursts like that.

Thank you for looking out for Oscar. You two are good ones.

I'm listening. Thank you for letting me do so! Wishing you the best.

Anonymous said...

Thanks for being brave with us.

Anonymous said...

Dear, you have taken the hardest step of all and done well. You discovered and admitted that you and Oscar have reached a point where you two can't cope. That takes more courage than a lot of things.

Love you!

Kym said...

Diana -- I'm sure you have opened more than a couple of pairs of eyes with your brave and honest post. It is so difficult for strong and independent people (like you) to ask for help when they need it. The tears, I'm sure, were a release for you. Your emotions over this very difficult call must have been so, so, so very close to the surface. Spillover was inevitable -- and probably a Very Good Thing.

I hope you're getting the help and relief you need.

You are a beautiful woman -- and you deserve every good thing.