Red Door

It all started when the inside handle of the back door came off this afternoon. After I got the screwdriver and removed the remains, I thought how good an opportunity it would be to paint the door, before installing the new handle. I often have idle thoughts like this, and dismiss them as costing too much in energy and foot-time... but this idea just would not let go. After thinking it through, I moved a kitchen chair over, lay down a paper bag torn open for a floor shield, and wiped down the outside of the door.
I found some inside-outside latex paint we bought back when we first moved in, mixed it up with a fresh paint stick, found a roller, tray and edging brush, and painted. Thank goodness I'm not a perfectionist. I got almost all the messy bits off the glass, and didn't spill one drop on the floor, but its certainly not a professional job.
I wouldn't have painted the INSIDE of the door without getting concurrence from Oscar, but as it was the outside, and mostly I'm the one that sees it, I decided to go for it.
I've hated the color since we moved in. A sort of calf-scour pinky brown (and if you have to ask, find a famer to explain it, but only if you REALLY want to know and have good resistence to descriptions of earthy farmer things).
I'm letting the first coat dry. Its likely to need a sceond coat. But even if I decide I'm not up for a second coat, I know the sight of the door even as it is will cheer me up in the middle of the brown/wet/white/cold winter.
(the image below is not of my back door, although I'd love a backdoor like that sans the steps. I found the image HERE .)

Oscar loves me

He's putting himself through torture getting our bedroom free of as many allergens as possible. It had gotten to the point that I was risking an asthm aattack almost every night, particularly when the windows were cloeed. Michigan + Winter + open windows = frozen Otter Troldahl family.

It is good he did. He found a patch of moldy disintegrating carpet tack board indicating why breathing has gotten so much more difficult since last year.

Its 4 a.m. and he's amost done. I wish I could do more to help!

Sleep and new systems

Sleep!
My norm these days is about 6 hours of sleep inturrupted several times a night (usually by pain, sometimes by gymnastic cats). I DO have 'sleep aids' but I will not take them every night, as they 1. lose effectiveness and 2. create a level of dependency I find abhorrent.
When insomnia sets in for 3 days or more, I am glad to have them around.
In the past 7 days my sleep was going from 6 hrs to 5 hrs and then 3 days in a row of 4 hours a night or less. Yuck!
I took the sleep meds last night and slept for 9 hours!!! I feel MUCH better.
I realized from this past episode of insomnia when I am short on sleep, my food cravings are off the scale, in direct opposition to my will power. When I weighed myself this morning, it was a relief to realize I only gained 1/2 a pound. I've been 'emotional eating' like crazy for a week, so 1/2 a pound was better than I had hoped. I've lost 25 pounds since February. My goal for the next 6 months is to KEEP it off, and if I lose more, all the better. Winter is a horrible time for Oscar and me, as we both have S.A.D. Winter in Michigan has very little sun. After this past week, I've learned finally how important sleep is. Maybe we'll install even more lights in the livingroom. It would be good to have them before Samhain.
Today, with 9 hours sleep behind me, my appetite is back to normal. A piece of high protein non-wheat bread for breakfast, and a bowl of lentil soup for lunch satisfied me completely. For supper I'll likely defrost a bowl of Balsamic Pepper Chicken and Rice, and if I am peckish later on I'll have a frozen fruit bar.

Another part of my good mood today is I figured out how to do Ebay without spending an inordinate amount of time sitting upright. There is just no room to have the book lots in the livingroom with me so I thought creating the text of the auctions would be relegated to the studio computer (sitting upright for hours, not good) BUT I realized I can just note the title and author of the books in my Ebay stencil document for each auction, and use the flash drive to transfer the stencils and the photos to the laptop. Then I can use the laptop to go online and fill in the info from book descriptions out on the web and put the auctions up on ebay while reclining. Yay!

We're wrestling the kitchen into shape. We bought a George Foreman Grill that I plan to set up low enough that I can cook from the chair. With Oscar's help the things blocking my way will be cleared out in the next few days.

scattering and focus

I left an email list last week that I've been on for years.
It was a seemingly small decision. I wasn't exactly certain at the time why I left, but it felt like the right choice to make.
I wanted to pare down things in my life to do some thinking and reorganizing of priorities.
Until I cut myself off from it I didn't realize how much energy I was giving to the list.
I wouldn't have guessed how much my focus was scattered by having the list there, as a sort of crutch. I must have popped on a dozen times a day to read any new emails, or to post something that came to mind that I knew someone onlist would enjoy.
Absolutely nothing wrong with that in and of itself, but without the list it has seemed easier to focus on reorganizing priorities toward health and income. Not everything is in place yet, but its a lot closer.
Other keys have been relinquishing the hope of doing any gardening, and trying not to allow the disorganization of the house entice me into standing too much.
If I give Oscar time, he eventually helps get the pieces in place for me to help safely. Yesterday he cleared the sink area, allowing me to focus my time on washing the dishes. A few more dishpans full and I will be able to move a chair into position so I can sit as I wash dishes. He will also help clear the pathway for the wheelchair. It takes longer, as he's working overtime.
I am still ill from overdoing a few weeks ago, but the more I rest, the better I become. The fevers are coming less often, and the cramps are gone unless I sit upright too long again.

I currently plan return to the list after my new work habits are in place, as I care deeply about many people there, maybe early next year. Of course I write off list to friends made there.

Anthems and Jan Krist

First, a little background:
In May 2004 my friend Robynn and her son Josh died when their home burned. To the best of available evidence, it appears her husband, Josh's father, set the fire. Since his lawyers have managed to delay the trial, that has yet to be proven. In fact, his lawyers delayed the trial so many times that he was able to use an Indiana legal loophole to demand to be released from jail in January 2006. The case was set for trial (again) this month, but, yet again, his lawyers delayed it. This time until November.
I was married to an abusive man for 4 years but through luck, friends and eventual sense won free in 1999. I guess I've been feeling a form of survivors guilt, mixed up with the grief and anger.

Now the anthem bit:
This morning, the song running through my head was Jan Krist's "All I Can Change". I guess my subconscious throws up a lifeline now and then. The full song can be found HERE.
Below are some of the lyrics I found most comforting.

Well I tried to move the heavens
And I tried to move the earth
Bullied it with prayer
Badgered God with his own words

Wrestling with an image
Of  the way life ought to be
The world is broken
All I can change is me

I am among those taken in
By hucksters who "knew truth"
And I've seen a lot of brokeness
From truth's merciless abuse
It's bitter as a new wine
But it finally sinks right through
In the long run
all you can change is you

BTW, If you haven't heard Jan Krist, give her a listen.
She's fantastic.
Some song samples can be found HERE

Odd Ducks and Genetics

I was an odd duck growing up. So distracted by things along the way I got lost travelling routes I'd often taken before. Stumbling on the staircase as something popped into my head; thinking of exotic ingredients to add to dishes we'd eaten hundreds of times before. Passionate about things it was hard to explain to others. I can't count the number of wallets I lost or buses I missed, because I was so interested in something else at the crucial moment.
My neice Amanda is staying with my folks during the week while she takes classes. She's almost all grown up now, and it has become apparent that she's a woman after my own heart. My mom says its like having me as a teen around again. In the past few weeks she's missed the bus, lost her purse, turned north instead of south on the way home from class and suggested adding apple cider to sweet potatoes. Amanda says she is proud to be like her Aunt Diana, and it warms me to hear that.
My neice Brianna is an animal loving writer, Briclynn loves critters too, and loves to read, Robert is a voracious reader of science fiction and fantasy novels, and loves being on stage. David plays football (I was asked to try out for the Unicorns in Lansing while I was in college, a semi-pro woman's football team in the 80's) All of them craft or make art in one way or another. All things I've loved too, there's more but I was intending this to be a short post :-}
Sorrows tend to collect as you grow through life. One of mine has been I will never have children (hysterectomy at age 34). It touches me more than I can say to know that in my neices and nephews, my oddness marches on.

A goal to shoot for

Well, with the 'Power Seat Base' (what the thing I need is called) added to the cost of the hand controls, the best guess is that I'll need $2,400 to get mobile. Better than it might be. If I was the sort of person to lie to take advantage of a government program, I'm told if I go through Michigan Works and apply for a job, they will help with the cost. But I know that unless they find a job that I can do in the recliner, its not likely to work out. When I called and explained my restrictions last year, they were not sanguine about my chances, and I won't lie now to get their help. I've been accused of being 'self-rightous' and 'goody two shoes' with this attitude. But If I got money for this knowing full well I wouldn't be able to keep a job because of health stuff, it means there is one fewer person who CAN work and needs thier help that won't get it.
So, I'll keep working on the ebay stuff, albeit slower than I used to, and keep paying off debts to free up money for savings, and eventually, it will work out. The same people think I should try again for SSD; but the very thought of starting the process again depresses me deeply. I am so much more able to do things, as long as I am careful, than others.
I still have a good brain, surely I can figure out a way to support my part of the household expenses. As soon as we get a power strip, I can use my lap top in the recliner, and will begin submitting articles. I've been published about 10 times in the past, all I need to do is step up my game and keep trying, that and the Ebay will help monetarily.

Re-learning the same lesson

Last week, I went outside and spent time on my feet clipping down stray baby trees that were growing on our front fenceline, in an effort to make the house more presentable for an appraisal. I timed my efforts closely, spending no more than 10 minutes per day on my feet doing it. (It took three days.) I also cooked three times that week, and spent time on my feet moving some stuff around, again, never more than 10 minutes at a time, and more usually less than five.
Despite my care, the past few days some old symptoms have returned. The same symptoms that started the round of tests last summer.
The determination after all the tests was that as I stood, the marrow at the end of my tibia and sometimes my fibula at the right ankle joint 'leaks' out as the pressure wears away the bone. This makes my immune system (weird anyway because of losing my spleen when I was a teen) react and overreact. So I have the fevers and chills, the shakiness, the overall feeling of being sick and having low energy reserves that plagued last summer. Its compounded by the effects of bending too much for my repaired hernia (picking up things and the bending over to clip the baby trees off); basically swelling from the accumulation of fluid on the mesh, nausea, muscle cramps and random belly pains.
So, the upshot is my ability zone is shrinking again which means learning new rules. A HUGE blessing is that my recliner has finally arrived, so I can accomplish more while still taking care of my health. This means I can keep my feet up and lean back enough to spare my belly while typing on the laptop, which means I can WRITE for longer than 30 minutes at a time. It means I need to spend as much time as possible in the wheelchair for moving around the house. We're working on clearing space and getting the kitchen more 'wheel friendly'. The final goal is that I'll only need to walk from the hall way into the bathroom, into my office/studio and, into the bedroom. This structure isn't conducive to widening the doorways or hallway, as all those walls are whats keeping the roof up where it belongs. Our BIGGEST goal is to move to a home designed for Universal Access, maybe as part of a planned community that won't require yardwork. I guess its a 5-year plan :-}
It also means that until I get the van set up for hand controls, my means of getting out and about on my own is very limited. I can't afford to spend the hour waiting for the taxi at each end unless its the only thing I do for that day as it wreaks havoc on my stomach. I will still use the taxi, I can't bear to close that door completely, but it won't be every week.
Oscar has asked me to slow down theEbay sales to allow myself to heal, and then keep them at a low level to avoid getting ill again. If I slow down, I can do some of the work from the recliner, so that will work. But it will slow down getting the hand controls for the van, too.
The total needed has gone up. The parts were around $700, (plus maybe $200 for labor) but now we also need to get a new seat installed that will slide back far enough and swivel to allow me to scooch over from the wheelchair. I don't know how much that will cost, but I'll make a few calls on Monday to some van conversion places to find out if they do that sort of work, and if so, the range of cost. I should also try and find some way to get a wheelchair ramp installed from the front door to the driveway. I hope I can find a way to get out back too, but the front access is most important.
So, not a good series of realizations, but healthy ones, overall.

re-evaluation

Oscar and I faced a bit of reality last night, It was a long time coming. When we moved here, one of the things I loved most was the yard. It's huge for the size of the house, and compared to most city lots. I was slow, but able to get pretty much everything done I wanted. Hell, I put in 7 flower beds the first year.
Now I can't do it. I can't even mow the lawn anymore, and the thing is, although Oscar appreciates the produce (berries) and the beauty, he has almost no interest in caring for the yard or garden. To be honest, his arthritis has worsened enough that it is a painful thing for him, too, if not as debilitating as it is for me.
For me, although the pain is worth it, the lameness and medical difficulties caused by bending are not worth the joy I get from gardening any more. Health first, right? For him, since he doesn't have the love of it, the pain is DEFINATLEY too much to pay for caring for the yard.

So last night we discussed the possibility of moving into a *gulp* planned community. I HATE the idea of being so 'cheek by jowl' with neighbors. But I hate more the idea of having a yard and garden we can't care for. I know I can feed my love of gardening with container plants on the patio and plants inside in a sun room. If we move to the south west, we could have the privacy and just have a Xeriscape in the yard. That would be the best. But it looks like that won't happen for 3-5 or even 10 years yet. I think the best solution would be to go to a planned community that has some Universal Access homes on largish lots, (or a place we can build one) and that has yard service available (for a fee) Surely there is somewhere like that out there? It is a daily sadness to me to look out at the yard and see what needs doing, and not be able to do it. So, we'll start looking into possibilities. We don't plan to move for quite a while (we are refinancing the house this month) but it will be comforting to be able to find that there are places out there with privacy and space, and yard care that we may be able to afford.